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Writer's pictureAutumn Yates

Setting Healthy Boundaries at Holiday Gatherings

An aerial view of a table coverd in Thanksgiving food and decorations
Holidays often come with their own set of joys and challenges.

The holidays can bring about many emotions, ranging from excitement to exhaustion and everything in between. Holiday gatherings may also cause feelings of anxiety, especially when navigating challenging family dynamics and drastically different opinions. Triggering topics can vary widely and may fall within one or more of the following categories:


  • Religious or political ideologies

  • Parenting decisions

  • Career choices

  • Dietary preferences

  • Other essential components of your unique identity


While every family is different, many tense and frustrating situations can be diffused by setting healthy boundaries at holiday gatherings. Continue reading for a list of simple yet effective boundary-setting tips:


Express yourself clearly and concisely

Imagine that your older relatives persistently ask your child to hug them hello or goodbye. In this circumstance, you could try saying something to-the-point, like “We do not force Charlie to hug others because it makes him uncomfortable. Instead, feel free to ask him if he wants to show you how to fist bump - he usually loves to give those!” If this degree of directness makes you nervous, consider practicing or writing down what you’d like to say ahead of time to prepare yourself for the conversation.


Stay firm in your request

Once you’ve explained a specific need that you or your child has, it’s possible that others may push back or try to change your mind. As challenging as it may feel, it’s crucial that you stand your ground. Try offering a simple “No, thank you” or a more specific “This is what works best for us, but I appreciate your perspective.”


Change the subject

When a conversation becomes heated, there is nothing wrong with deescalating it by navigating to a less controversial topic. This is, in fact, a subtle form of boundary setting - by changing the course of the discussion, you’re sending a message about what topics feel comfortable and safe to you. 


Take breaks as needed

Sometimes the easiest way to diffuse a situation is to temporarily remove yourself from it. Try excusing yourself to take a walk, read in a quiet space, make yourself a cup of tea, or do whatever activity will leave you feeling restored and at peace.

A couple in winter clothing take a walk on a cobblestone street lit with holiday lights
Sometimes taking a walk outside can provide a helpful break from family tension.

Know when it’s time to go

It’s possible that all of your patience and openness may still be met with push-back or derision from family members. If you’ve reached your limit and their behavior continues to be hurtful to you, your partner, or your children, don’t be afraid to end your visit early. Your mental health matters too much to remain in a harmful situation.


No matter what the upcoming holiday season brings, we hope you are able to enjoy your time with loved ones without having to sacrifice your needs or values. If you are in search of additional strategies for setting healthy boundaries at holiday gatherings, or if you need suggestions for navigating specific circumstances unique to your family, know that we are always here to help. 


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